BREAKING NEWS: Karl Rove Outed

Author: Barrett Rainey

I’ve long believed Karl Rove is a secret agent, probably on the payroll of – and operating secretly for – the Democratic National Campaign Committee. I’ve been reluctant to blow his cover because he’s obviously been effective at electing Democrats and confusing the hell out of Republicans for so long. But now, he’s very close to being forced to “come out” as it were. So the game is up.

I’m beginning to actually feel sorry for my Republican friends. They belong to a fine old Party – the “Party of Lincoln,” you know – with a long history of laudable accomplishments. They’ve produced some excellent officeholders who’ve made significant contributions to the nation’s welfare for more than 150 years. The GOP provided leadership in hard times, cared for those who needed a hand up and was a stabilizing force when the country faced dangers. You remember that Republican Party, don’t you? The one we had before the one we have?

In many ways, Rove has been the most effective – and most destructive – mole any political party has ever had. He first went under cover for the Democrats in the 1990’s, gaining the confidence of G. Bush Junior in Texas. In no time at all, he was little George’s most trusted advisor. There’s even a book about that connection calling Rove “Bush’s Brain.” He became so successful in the role that his mentor soon gave up thinking – politically. “Whatever Karl says,” he’d tell his staff.

Karl rode his Bush “horse” in Texas, then eight years in the White House. Pretty plush duty for a guy with no significant political life before the Bush clan took him in. Or, he took them in. Whichever.

From his suite of power just down the hall from the Oval Office, he operated all things Republican. Like a balding, smiling spider at the center of a large web hosted by the President of the United States. Talk about access for a guy who never previously had any of his own! Eight years. And Republicans were thrilled with their new “brain.”

Then after the Bush “horse” was put out to pasture, Rove had to come up with something to keep that national “brain” working for the GOP. So, using the unlisted phone numbers of billionaires he’d collected during his White House years – and aided by a tragic “Citizen’s United” decision from the U.S. Supreme Court – he built a SuperPAC. A couple of them, actually. And he conned otherwise intelligent rich people into parting with hundreds of millions of dollars. All those dollars – less Rove’s generous “expenses” – were thrown into the bottomless pit of trying to buy a couple of national elections. With some state contests thrown in where available.

Democrats pretended to be furious. “That damned Rove” became a rallying cry. Republicans bought it. Rove was thoroughly “in.”

Then the elections. And none of Rove’s horses won. Not one. More than $300 million down the drain. The rich folks who’d made fortunes wound up getting “skunked” and Rove got rich. The Democratic Party’s dream come true! Rove was inside and it was all working as planned.

It was about then I began to suspect Rove was really a mole. Any REAL Republican operative at that level would have had at least one victory to brag about. Something for cover. And wouldn’t have personally cracked up “live” coast-to-coast on Fox.

But it had to end. Not because he’d been so successful at separating billionaires and millionaires from so much money. No. They still believed in Karl. But a good scam – in the hands of a good mole – has to keep building. Sort of like pyramid and Ponzi schemes. He needed a new scam.

So, Karl announced he’d no longer back the Teapublican crazies he’d been creating and paying for. The ones he went out and recruited. No, those days were over. Now – now he’d turn that herd of billionaires and millionaires to more centrist candidates, moving just to the left of the nut crowd. He cut off the money to the Palins, the Walshs, O’Donnells, Angles, Millers and all the other wannabees. Left ‘em cold.

And the response to his decree? Anger! Threats! “TRAITOR,” they cried. From the very people he’d given public life to. People who were nothing until Karl Rove built ‘em. Wow! And the effect on the world of politics? The already split Republican Party is now split again! Not two but three!!! We’ve got the run-of-the-mill Republicans who still foolishly think they can change things, nuts and nuts-light. Three! Count ‘em. Three GOPs!

Even though his cover should be blown by now to thinking people, some of the more loony millionaires – and a billionaire or two – will continue to play the Rove schemes. They want a nation to run so badly they’re willing to reach even deeper into their huge pockets.

So much for story time, friends and neighbors. What Rove has effectively done is split the Republican Party so badly the in-fighting will keep the crazies at each other for years. In less than a week since Karl made his move, more far-right clowns have announced for Senate and House races while condemning him. Some of the heavier Republicans – Mitch McConnell for one – are being “primaried.” Primaried from the RIGHT!!!

National poll upon national poll shows a sizeable majority of Americans picking the center path on issue after issue. Spending, reducing the debt, access to abortion, Obamacare, gun problems and more – get us out of the extremes and move back to the middle. But Rove – I’m sure with the solid backing of Democrats – has opened the floodgates and “Teapublicans” are running far, FAR to the right. And eating their own in the process.

If ever there was a time for a Democrat to seek national public office, it’s right now. Karl has filled Republican waters with internecine blood and the far right Piranhas are starting the feast. On each other!

But Karl’s time is about over. His undercover work for the Democrats has been very, very effective. He’s taken Republican money by the hundreds of millions. He’s cost the party seats in the U.S. Senate and the U.S. House. He’s siphoned away all those dollars and most of the staff from the GOP national committee. He’s split nutcase from nutcase and has them pitted against each other. And he’s done this all by himself!

But – maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s just what he seems to be. Maybe he’s really a Republican after all. Maybe he’s just who he says he is. Maybe Democrats just got lucky.

Turd Blossom. The moderate working man’s best friend!

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