THEY’RE BAAACCK! Those damned turkeys are BAAACCK!!!!!

Since the column last summer about my attempts to teach turkeys there are other parts of Douglas County to explore, I’m often asked how the venture has gone.

A failure. A miserable failure from the git-go! Not only have the couple of dozen we had a year ago returned, they’ve brought along relatives … at least two dozen more. I’m sure some are illegals. Can a turkey be an illegal? Or is that ill eagle?

Whatever. November and December were pretty quiet. Only a couple of sightings of a pair now and then. A little pellet in the posterior seemed to encourage them to continue their travels to other parts of the neighborhood. Situation seemed well in hand.

Then about three weeks ago … BOOM! An explosion of turkeys. Now it’s a herd of 45-50! No youngsters from an out-of-season hatch. All full sized … all noisy … all messy … and all in our yard. No small invasion. Last year’s crop apparently got mad, went out and recruited help.

This turkey tribe has to be the dumbest bunch of birds that ever was. They are absolutely untrainable. Look out in the long driveway, there they are. Or, if you get there right after they’ve been there, your shoes tell you of their recent presence. Leave the garage door open and the floor has to be swamped and disinfected. Go out on the large deck and it’s slip-slidin’ away time.

Now there is a new disappointment. The pellet in the posterior is no longer effective. There’s a jump and a squawk and life just goes right on. None of the other birds seem to notice that one of their number has just had a sharp pain. Even the one that lost a leg, apparently to a neighborhood dog or cat. They just keep on keepin’ on.

A couple of days ago I thought I heard the sound of heavier artillery from the other side of the hill. Louder and more permanent sounding than a pellet pop. Maybe one of the neighbors over there has taken the next step up in turkey avoidance and brought in a more permanent solution. Maybe our herd will be smaller in weeks to come. One can only hope.

Whenever I think of Ben Franklin’s efforts to have the wild turkey be our national emblem, it terrifies me that a man so otherwise smart and inventive could be so terribly, terribly wrong. Franklin didn’t lose very often. Thank God John Adams led the charge to defeat the idea.

As for my battle, I’m going to wish the unseen but noisy neighbor well and continue my own little relocation effort. It’s not even summer yet and the swamping has begun. But my accuracy is improving.

I am becoming increasingly irritated with something I run into on an almost daily basis. When calling a company to do business on the phone, one of the first things I often hear is “If you’d like to continue in English, press 1.” Or “For English press 2.”

Now, meaning no disrespect to those who want to do business in another language, the last census tells me more callers will speak English than any other language. At least currently. National demographics bear that out. Given that’s the case, why should a majority of us wishing to do business in our country in the “mother tongue” be instructed to do anything? Why can’t we just keep talking while others make their choice?

I realize the changing times. I’m told one of these days English may not be the language spoken by most Americans. Well, if that happens in my lifetime, I’ll make the adjustment. Until then, every time I’m asked to make a choice, it’s just damned irritating.

One Response to “Two major irritations: turkeys and ‘press one for English’”

  1. Forever Says:

    Thank God! Someone with brains speaking!